i stand by my window, smoking and i see, down below, cars running on a main road and i hear monotonous noise from the generator. i am alone here now. my brother just left for school. he studies software engineering in makati, a field that is worlds apart from mine. i am a doctor in training. i imagine how easy his life is and how he has the freedom and the means to make it much more colorful and richer. i imagine how i can't have that. i am almost 25 years old.

then i remember how i wanted at least one of my children to become a doctor because it is so hard to not have a doctor in the family. if something medical occurs at home, it would be quite a relief if there were someone around to immediately decide if it's an emergency or not or if it ought to be brought to a hospital or it can be managed appropriately at home. not only would it save the family from worries but also from unnecessary expense. i decided at least one of my children shall become a doctor.

but now that has changed. it's not worth it. i would hate to see or know what my child would be going through just to become a doctor. now i find being a doctor unnecessary for me. if i had gone to another field, like in the corporate world for example, i am certain i'd be rich by now. and if i get sick or any of my family gets sick, that would not be a problem because i'd be able to pay a doctor's services. i would pay doctors and make demands and they won't complain because i have the money.

ever since i was old enough to think for myself, i thought being a doctor and helping sick people was honorable and sincere. now i only see it as a business like the ones we see on yellow pages, catering health services making sure the hospital, the HMOs, and the paying customers aka patients are always satisfied. the idea of reaching out and curing the sick sounded so simple then but it is not. i wonder if it was like this during the starting years of my father as a doctor.

i think my problem is i don't see the respect i think is due doctors. people have become arrogant enough to expect perfection squared bullshit.

it's the pills sara goldfarb took
my heart as dumb as it is
wallowing and dancing
in green blood
from its bittersour venom
i can feel it
acutely made almost radioactive
to my arms then my fingers to my toes
fidgets, nerves, tremors
enduring, escalating

but it is a reminder

apreciate

don't fuck it

everyday we wake up, get ready for work, work the whole day or overnight, and then go home only to rest for the next day's work. time for ourselves and each other is scarce. preoccupied, busy, that's what we are. in consequence, patience and all other virtues are cut short. opportunities to appreciate life, see beauty in things and each other, and for plain and simple quality time are significantly reduced. the natural result is superficiality and triviality super-sized. but all that has not undermined my real feelings for you and my dreams for us. believe me. how i wish we could get a break from rules, responsibilities, duties, and the convention. i want and love only you. you're the person i fell in love with and i am actually craving for more of you.

man oh man oh man oh man...
as far as i've gone in my journey to being a doctor, that's how much i have sacrificed the freedom and expression of my being. i'm afraid i've been losing blood. i live, yes, but as pale and cold as a vampire. i have made myself a prisoner, no longer touched by the sun.
slowly the i disintegrate. becoming a new form. a form that's ugly and generic. who am i now? i don't know anymore..

companionship and being alike and in agreement with someone is the most trivial definition of friendship. it is a profound connection between souls that is benevolent and true.

today i am reminded that we are friends first and foremost and that is more than enough reason to give you my best always.

i entered my first CABG today and i knew what i want to do for the rest of my life.
TCVS.

you suffering is not what i want, just as u didn't want me to suffer when i suffered.
this is a matter of me choosing to be selfish enough not to save you, just as u ARE selfish.

why is this world full of unfairness?
why is there a need to hurt unnecessarily?
why do we not believe that we deserve better?
and there is so much labeling when we're anything but those labels.

we grow everyday. we put our best foot forward everyday.
the good things we do should be all that matter.

grown ups become grown ups because of work and responsibility. but they're only children who have forgotten how it is to be free. and when they get a chance to breathe fresh air, they realize how young they really are. unfortunately they are not allowed to live free and be young again. so much distress and battles and rules and laws life is full of so that everyone is molded into something that is expected and weary. for the first time i envy the children. soon however they too will be couched in boxes very similar to coffins long before their deaths.

only your presence comforts me.
that's how i know i need you.
and because i want only you,
i know i love you.