MENTAL WANDERLUST of a FOOL

people suck

2008-12-12T14:31:00.002+08:00

i stand by my window, smoking and i see, down below, cars running on a main road and i hear monotonous noise from the generator. i am alone here now. my brother just left for school. he studies software engineering in makati, a field that is worlds apart from mine. i am a doctor in training. i imagine how easy his life is and how he has the freedom and the means to make it much more colorful and richer. i imagine how i can't have that. i am almost 25 years old.

then i remember how i wanted at least one of my children to become a doctor because it is so hard to not have a doctor in the family. if something medical occurs at home, it would be quite a relief if there were someone around to immediately decide if it's an emergency or not or if it ought to be brought to a hospital or it can be managed appropriately at home. not only would it save the family from worries but also from unnecessary expense. i decided at least one of my children shall become a doctor.

but now that has changed. it's not worth it. i would hate to see or know what my child would be going through just to become a doctor. now i find being a doctor unnecessary for me. if i had gone to another field, like in the corporate world for example, i am certain i'd be rich by now. and if i get sick or any of my family gets sick, that would not be a problem because i'd be able to pay a doctor's services. i would pay doctors and make demands and they won't complain because i have the money.

ever since i was old enough to think for myself, i thought being a doctor and helping sick people was honorable and sincere. now i only see it as a business like the ones we see on yellow pages, catering health services making sure the hospital, the HMOs, and the paying customers aka patients are always satisfied. the idea of reaching out and curing the sick sounded so simple then but it is not. i wonder if it was like this during the starting years of my father as a doctor.

i think my problem is i don't see the respect i think is due doctors. people have become arrogant enough to expect perfection squared bullshit.

the requiem

2008-12-06T02:16:00.003+08:00

it's the pills sara goldfarb took
my heart as dumb as it is
wallowing and dancing
in green blood
from its bittersour venom
i can feel it
acutely made almost radioactive
to my arms then my fingers to my toes
fidgets, nerves, tremors
enduring, escalating

but it is a reminder

apreciate

don't fuck it

shortage of everything good

2008-11-19T22:57:00.003+08:00

everyday we wake up, get ready for work, work the whole day or overnight, and then go home only to rest for the next day's work. time for ourselves and each other is scarce. preoccupied, busy, that's what we are. in consequence, patience and all other virtues are cut short. opportunities to appreciate life, see beauty in things and each other, and for plain and simple quality time are significantly reduced. the natural result is superficiality and triviality super-sized. but all that has not undermined my real feelings for you and my dreams for us. believe me. how i wish we could get a break from rules, responsibilities, duties, and the convention. i want and love only you. you're the person i fell in love with and i am actually craving for more of you.

lost

2008-11-10T22:58:00.002+08:00

man oh man oh man oh man...
as far as i've gone in my journey to being a doctor, that's how much i have sacrificed the freedom and expression of my being. i'm afraid i've been losing blood. i live, yes, but as pale and cold as a vampire. i have made myself a prisoner, no longer touched by the sun.
slowly the i disintegrate. becoming a new form. a form that's ugly and generic. who am i now? i don't know anymore..

f

2008-07-09T00:46:00.003+08:00

companionship and being alike and in agreement with someone is the most trivial definition of friendship. it is a profound connection between souls that is benevolent and true.

today i am reminded that we are friends first and foremost and that is more than enough reason to give you my best always.

TCVS

2008-06-27T20:43:00.004+08:00

i entered my first CABG today and i knew what i want to do for the rest of my life.
TCVS.

selfish

2008-06-06T18:10:00.002+08:00

you suffering is not what i want, just as u didn't want me to suffer when i suffered.
this is a matter of me choosing to be selfish enough not to save you, just as u ARE selfish.

on labels

2008-03-06T19:53:00.004+08:00

why is this world full of unfairness?
why is there a need to hurt unnecessarily?
why do we not believe that we deserve better?
and there is so much labeling when we're anything but those labels.

we grow everyday. we put our best foot forward everyday.
the good things we do should be all that matter.

throttled babies

2008-02-08T19:19:00.000+08:00

grown ups become grown ups because of work and responsibility. but they're only children who have forgotten how it is to be free. and when they get a chance to breathe fresh air, they realize how young they really are. unfortunately they are not allowed to live free and be young again. so much distress and battles and rules and laws life is full of so that everyone is molded into something that is expected and weary. for the first time i envy the children. soon however they too will be couched in boxes very similar to coffins long before their deaths.

yes

2008-02-03T20:00:00.000+08:00

only your presence comforts me.
that's how i know i need you.
and because i want only you,
i know i love you.

inconsistent

2008-02-03T17:27:00.000+08:00

i don't expect us to be perfect.
we make stupid mistakes and fight and then apologize and that's ok.
there are moments when we're not ok and moments when we're good.
every moment is inconsistent and i welcome that because beyond all that,
i love you and you love me and i am full of hope for us.
i don't expect us to be perfect because there's no such thing.

patients don't drink their illnesses

2007-12-22T18:08:00.000+08:00

patients are living beings.
when people get sick, they don't put their lives on hold.
they don't eat and drink their illnesses.
it's just one add-on to their many troubles that affect them vastly.
so as far as possible, be able to recognize not only the disease but also the things that matter as much or even more to them.

hands

2007-10-03T17:52:00.000+08:00

for once, i want you to open your hands and relax the muscles of your forearms..
let the wind tunnel through the perspiring creases of your palms..

dead

2007-09-01T17:40:00.000+08:00

who am i?
who am i now?
what life is this that i lead?
my soul sleeps while my body is swept through the filthy roads of this poor place.
how can a dead body refuse to be selfless?
a picture forcibly made only with black and white paint.
my ears strain to hear the music of life.
all of these contaminating, stretching in time and space.

you only

2007-08-20T18:03:00.000+08:00

you are the flood that i as the floodgate face.
a gate made of stone without a neck,
so that as long as our roots cling to the soil where they are,
i will be facing only you.
and my eyes, body, arms and heart,
will touch only you.

ode to the shrimp

2007-06-18T02:23:00.000+08:00

between chunks of ivory..
made eager by your orange stripes.
gentle crushing of whorled sheets..
of resistant rebounding firmness.
layer by layer.. delightful!

rehab

2007-06-01T17:37:00.000+08:00

now will start silence,
and muteness long forgotten.
a reunion with the boy who never left home.
confidently alone, he was autonomous.

a gift by time, a gift for myself.
to go places in my mind, places i've forgotten existed.
to leave the tiresome smell of burnt smoke of hostility.
with walls of this narrow and suffocating room caving in.

now will start the rehabilitation of my mind..
rest.. and then silence.

in the wards

2007-05-29T18:35:00.000+08:00

the hospital is not pleasantville.
more often than not you'll get a taste of hell.

madness

2007-05-28T17:51:00.000+08:00

often with sharp eyes you look at me,
an incessant series of peevish warfare.
back and forth we go with remorse,
obscuring situations we are in
without end...

empty oxygen tank

2007-05-16T21:21:00.000+08:00

it's all too much.. and i can do only so much.
without enough time for rest, emphasized is all good things being finite.
i am only human.. nothing can elaborate better than this.
but no.. this is not exculpation.
great expectations not of one but of all.. family, friends, girlfriend, strangers.
apathy by and large becomes the easiest recourse.

i metamorphose.. with swords poking from all directions.

don't try my patience, patient

2007-05-11T20:40:00.000+08:00

I have fewer expectations now because I understand more about what it means to be a doctor and what they have to deal with. With all the pressure they’re under, and the many other things they have going on at any one moment, I understand now why they can’t be as compassionate as I might like them to be.

I certainly have more respect for doctors than before. I didn’t realize the fatigue and pressure that most of them are working under all the time. It’s one of the few professions where if you make a mistake, it can mean somebody’s life.

- Ellen Pompeo of Grey's Anatomy interview with Reader's Digest

roadtrip

2007-04-09T21:09:00.001+08:00

soon i'm going to own a moment like this one, too
and when that moment comes...
the scent, the savor, the satisfaction...
oh! it's going to feel good.

absence

2007-04-06T16:40:00.002+08:00

another attack of sombreness...
waking up from all but felicity
becoming a recollection
then gloom then apathy
and meager but stark detestation
give me time, don't talk
and pardon these flare-ups
for i shall sleep again
and somnambulate with all but felicity...

metamorphosis

2007-04-03T14:37:00.000+08:00

the line was crossed
already permanently changed
with curtains partially opened
a peek into the frightful world
inflicted with a wound that will not heal
or an ugly scar that will constantly remind
of the hurt and hope lost
the child has grown
old like veritably adults
lonely wanderers of this place
a parade gotten bigger by one
fragile the state has become
but thicker and wiser
learned and fuller...

a bigger stage...

potent to make happier...

the paragon

2007-02-25T21:46:00.000+08:00

it's not about me. or my problems. or my feelings. or my happiness.

slowly

2007-02-24T00:43:00.000+08:00

i want to go back to that place where all i knew i could draw was a tree, where i still had all of my fingers intact, where my hands weren't tainted with blood, where i cried unstained tears..

but.. no matter how stretched out my arms are and how fast i run, i won't arrive there today.

G

2007-02-23T22:32:00.000+08:00

she is always more wonderful and special than i will ever realize.. to her no one compares..

the prodigal son

2007-02-18T16:51:00.000+08:00

it's been a long time and i think i'm going to be back pretty soon if this new thing works out. it's like i've been wearing a glove that only now i'm starting to take off. soon i'd be able to feel crisply the rough and the smooth, the cold and the hot. i am excited.
how can i not be? when i'd be walking alive again. finally, i can wash off my face the filth which gathered all those weeks that i've been dead.
the warmth of the sun, the cool of the late afternoon breeze, all amplified.
i'm near.. almost there..

i know

2007-02-04T13:15:00.000+08:00

if you're not happy, you've closed your eyes..
comparing yourself to the unlucky won't do the job..
if it bothers you, it is real..

i lack one thing.
i know.
that's why i keep feeling this way.
but it's there.
just waiting for me to grab it.
but i'm not yet a man ready for it.

thank you that you won't give up on me.

lull

2007-01-06T00:22:00.000+08:00

digits and a box playing guitars
on this friday evening
i sit alone
quiet
breathing
and that is all

some kind of connection
invisible and intangible
through wires maybe
but not an option
carry on oh lull
i'll wait

all in the mind

2006-12-20T22:58:00.000+08:00

there is an alley
over which black clouds brood all day
it's full of dirty old people
in dirty ragged clothes
they spit everyplace
and they lie and they curse

i possess a dingy alley
only one can cleanse

do i really have to?

2006-12-17T19:59:00.000+08:00

do i really have to buy gifts? do i really have to squeeze myself and mash my feet amidst billions of people in disarray? do i really have to sit in traffic? do i really have to go through all that just to put a smile on someone's face?

hehe.. alas, i think i have to.

turn the tide

2006-12-16T03:05:00.000+08:00

what has become of the philippines?

i turn on the tv and all i hear in the news are terrible events. i don't actually understand why these things have to happen but i'm sure there are reasons behind all of it. what i'm sure of is whatever those reasons are, they evolved from incorrect grounds in the first place. so there's no other consequence that would come out of them except what's bad.

if i think about it, there must be really immeasurably evil filipinos out there for these dreadful things to happen. so far, that i cannot fathom. how can there be immensely selfish people?

it's very unlucky for us that many of these people are in politics - people tasked to govern this country. in my simple mind, this is the inference: the administration and opposition endlessly oppose each other when they should be fighting for the common good of the country. they fight each other because their goals are different and if not one of them is after the people's interest, none of them is.

love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness and self-control are not relative. anything opposite them cannot be them. a good end doesn't justify an evil means. should turning the tide for the philippines really be that sluggish and complicated?

although not wholly, our nation is lost and foolish.

but there is hope..... definitely.

inflated drama

2006-12-13T23:20:00.000+08:00

burn my heart not with your saliva
punch it not with fists coming out of your eyes
tire it not with your heavy blood
before it turns black in your hands.

hand

2006-12-11T18:24:00.000+08:00

i live in a world where almost everyone i know and meet is pretty stable financially and educated. my parents spend more than 150 thousand pesos a year for my schooling and so do my classmates' parents or benefactors. medschool, home, family, my girlfriend, good friends, church, worship, coffeshops, restaurants, malls, movies and music compose most of my comfy world. apart from that i am not so familiar with.

on my way home from school, i pass by quite a long stretch of squatters' area along e rodriguez. as i look through the window of the fx or jeep that i ride, i get fascinated by how different people living there are from me - their homes, their activities, their businesses, and their plentiful children. although it's not my intention to insult their class of people, to me it's curious what frolics in their minds and how they can bear to live how they live. unless i reach out to them, i will never know.

i am going to be a doctor which can provide me with one of the best means to finally be able to reach out to them; because a million times woefully, the country we live in is gorged with all kinds of injustice imaginable, that even just the thought that someone sincerely thinks and cares for them, at least in healthcare matters, would likely mean something more than wonderful to them.

regarding my dilemma on what specialization to take, whether surgery or internal medicine, at this moment, while i am engrossed by all these thoughts, i choose internal medicine because i think this will give me more exposure to the poverty-stricken.

i know this inclination probably would fade over time. but it is my hope that it won't.

because many filipinos need a freaking hand.

*****

although i don't want to practice in tacloban and become an ophthalmologist like my father, i still think he is noble in the sense that he has compassion for the poor. and i believe that is more praiseworthy than any "success."

abuse

2006-12-03T19:32:00.000+08:00

but god demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, christ died for us. romans5:8
this is love for god: to obey his commands. and his commands are not burdensome. 1john5:3
death and destruction are never satisfied, and neither are the eyes of man. proverbs27:20

god's love is the truest and greatest of all. even if i lose my faith or murder someone today, his love won't change. this is the truth and since it is unconditional, it can easily be abused. and abuse it i did.
i thought to myself, i can do as i please because if i repent after i'm done yielding to temptations, he will forgive me anyway. i knew it was awful but i didn't mind which makes it all the more awful.
interestingly, while i was busy failing god, it became more difficult to communicate with him and i started condemning myself which brought me farther away from him.
today in church, i was reminded that life is supposed to be all about the lord and constant pursuit for him with all my heart - not the lust of my eyes, or the lust of my flesh, or my pride.
sadly, it is love for the lord that i lack.
the worst i can do is abuse the lord's love, mercy, and goodness; for what then is the use of jesus' death on the cross?

blithely

2006-12-02T22:36:00.000+08:00

i must escape you
ofttimes it's just all too intense
submerging myself in a swirl
of closeness, beauty, love, and sin
but
how i can escape you
blithely
may never happen

the rigor of being consistent

2006-12-01T00:39:00.000+08:00

we like many things
some of them we love
and we grow old
and change
and get tired
it's just a matter of time
and there are things we like doing
but we know it's wrong
and there are only two kinds of ways on how to stop
the easy way and the hard way
sometimes we get on the easy way
but sometimes we miss the ride
and without a choice
we tread the hard way
no one wakes up at 7 in the morning sharp everyday
the early-bird sometimes doesn't get the worm
when we take the bus to a place we ought to go to
it means it means something to us that we be there
but when we choose to walk to that same place because there's no other way
no matter how far
it means more
love is without condition
under no circumstance does it reckon whether to radiate or wither
to sin we turn our backs
easily or hardly
both are tests
in this case the harder the better
to sweat is sweeter
i am on a cigarette break
a break from walking because there was no bus today
a break because my legs are leaden
i got to love
i got to get going.

pursued compromise

2006-11-23T16:43:00.000+08:00

and then indiscipline. permissiveness. impatience.
just alter the laws right?
and then selfishness. disrespect. irresponsibility.
have to compromise right?

...but this is not a negotiation.

recognition

2006-11-16T21:06:00.000+08:00

all the 22 years or so i have been on earth,
i recognize that i have not pleased god,
even for a moment.

who am i?

2006-11-16T20:59:00.000+08:00

who am i to have the perquisite to be angry and hateful,
when the lord has forgiven me and looks on me with love,
despite my being sinful?

confession

2006-10-01T18:19:00.000+08:00

last night i did what i never should do. i succeeded in making my sister and her family feel unwelcome in our home whose monthly bills she pays. it would be an understatement to say i had hurt her feelings.
i was angry. and for the nth time, i am reminded that i am capable of doing or saying really hurtful, wrong things when i am angry.
now my guilt is torturing me and i am awful sorry.
but lucky for me, she has already forgiven me.. really lucky of me.

..damn myself.

i had asked a wise friend what he does when he's angry and hating. he said he talks himself out of it. he said god's peace surpasses all understanding; it does not depend on the circumstance; it overlooks all conditions. he told me to have faith and pray for His peace to be upon me.

especially nice

2006-09-23T18:45:00.001+08:00

it's fortunate how i am able to feel especially nice just because i'm surrounded by people who walk the walk of faith.. to see them passionate in their faith and praises.. they are good people and i think this world needs more of them, so we can open our eyes as well.. no doubt, all this fallen world needs is him.

i miss and you don't

2006-09-14T00:22:00.000+08:00

now i don't know what happens around me.. i don't know my mind.. how it thinks.. what it wants to think about..
i don't understand.. i get a picture of what i perceive.. but it's different from what you get..
no.. i'm not hallucinating.. i'm not delusional.. i should know.. i know.. i'm not trying to be schizophrenic..
my retina sees what yours sees.. my ears hear what yours hear.. my nose smells what yours smells.. my skin feels what yours feels.. but my mind is different from yours.. just as yours is different from another's..
so i don't know what happens around me.. i miss to feel and comprehend some things that you do.. and why is that?
i'm just a kid who knows but knows nothing..
so many things i have to understand.. all in my head but never get digested.. they're all in my head.. i know but know nothing..
but i don't know i miss.. you don't.. i do.. you understand this.. i don't..
but then there is that maybe i don't need this.. maybe i'll understand when i really need to..

to be or not to be

2006-09-14T00:12:00.000+08:00

the mighty bond tube perforates
bonding to my finger mightily
only the rusty cutter parted their ways
screaming at me
"you are to be a surgeon!"

hokum

2006-09-09T22:29:00.000+08:00

it's been heavy up there right in front..
muffled pain and flood in my thorax..
i know it's the drug but it has to stay..
lights are pretty and dark is shame..

lazy songs on this pluvial eve..
liquid umber and bitter smoke..
empty head, hollow and waste..
writing for it's sake..

turning up the recesses of my lips..
this gift of hokum is amusement..
after all, no longer waste and hollow..
i see retiring the aching waves..

naive

2006-09-08T10:22:00.000+08:00

you told me to stay behind and i did.
i knew you meant it too but it shouldn't have mattered..
isn't my brain so beautiful?
isn't it so useless?

selfish

2006-09-03T22:54:00.000+08:00

putik..
i'm a 3-year-old with a cookie in front of me.
i put it in my mouth without hesitation or delay.
putik..
i'm spoiled.
i have to grow up.

no title

2006-09-02T17:02:00.000+08:00

write now.
what to write
about i don't know.
mind's going crazy
again.
nonsense. so stupid.
so clueless. so pathetic.
do what i can't
what i want.
sit and observe
instead.
leave me alone.
you don't see me.
don't look at me.
..
interrupted.
ended.
..
..
still empty.
dry jars. no rain.
will be a cycle.
again then again.
no end.
..
..
said it's a cycle.
won't stop.
stop writing.

am i so different?

2006-08-31T16:21:00.000+08:00

Matthew 4:4. jesus answered, "it is written: 'man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of god.'"

life sucks. or maybe i just don't know enough.

i live quite an abundant life, judging from my standards.. so this is relative. maybe some people who live in the streets think their lives are abundant. i wouldn't know for sure..

...because man doesn't live on bread alone, but on the word of god...

but how can i be so different from the world?
i live quite an abundant life yet i find it difficult to be ever thankful to god. if this is my case, how about those less fortunate than me? personally, it's so hard to praise god when i'm troubled. to think my problems are probably some of the most petty..
are there people who are always depressed? what about them?
can i be so different from the world?

life is so difficult for so many people, i wouldn't even dare include myself unless my skin is so thick.

i sure pray i'm right when i say i just don't know enough. i sure pray i'm so different from the world.. because everyone needs to be happy.

deranged

2006-08-30T23:38:00.000+08:00

i'd been irritated the whole day, from midnight to about 4pm, for a reason too small-minded to even be called a reason. but i let incidents like this happen to me once in a while so i wasn't surprised how difficult i had become. i may even think that irritation is something i like. once i develop it, i won't let it go. i feel it's too essential to be drained out of my system. when i get irritated, i enjoy being frantic and mad. and this lunacy smothers me entirely so it shows, and i don't get to care. actually what i like best about this is me just staring blankly with frantic eyes literally for hours. i dementedly love it. and this isn't me being cute.

ha! what stress from medschool can do to me!

i live

2006-08-28T22:51:00.000+08:00

excluding god,
and because i'm away from my family,
and because everyone's busy with medicine,
if you weren't mine,
only medicine would take over my life.
excluding god,
i live a life because of you.

so sorry

2006-08-27T23:10:00.000+08:00

mark 7:6-8. these people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. they worship me in vain; their teachings are but rules taught by men. you have let go of the commands of god and are holding on to the traditions of men.

john 4:24. god is spirit, and his worshippers must worship in spirit and in truth.

dear god, i am so sorry i haven't loved you with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my mind, and with all my strength.

no great mind

2006-08-27T15:30:00.000+08:00

whatever good thing there is in me is not mine. when i think and understand, it's not because i have a great mind; but because you, my god, sent me your wisdom. i am not to take pride of things i do not own.
lord, make me realize that every good thing in my life is a gift from you. thank you. to you be the glory and the power and may you, my lord, be praised in everything i do.

1 corinthians 6:19. do you know that your body is a temple of the holy spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from god? you are not your own...

1 peter 4:11. if anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of god. if anyone serves, he should do it with the strength god provides, so that in all things god may be praised through jesus christ. to him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. amen.

i do not have a great mind and many other things. but i have a great god.

storm

2006-08-25T11:15:00.000+08:00

speed of wind almost nearing sound's
an orchestra of nature composed
its best as gift to an untimely celebration
sadly misunderstood.......

mentions on peace

2006-08-14T00:31:00.000+08:00

the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness and self-control.
there are hundreds of phobias documented from around the world and all of them disrupt our inner peace.. except one. zeusophobia is the fear of god.. the only phobia that brings us peace.
3 prescriptions for developing inner peace:
first, prayer

philippians 4:6-7 says: do not be anxious about anything. in everything resort to prayer and supplication together with thanksgiving and bring your requests before god. then the peace of god, which surpasses all understanding, will keep your hearts and minds in christ jesus.

second, proper thinking

philippians 4:8 says: finally, brothers and sisters, fill your minds with whatever is truthful, holy, just, pure, lovely, and noble. be mindful of whatever deserves praise and admiration.

third, presence of god

philippians 4:9 says: put into practice what you have learned from me, what i passed on to you, what you heard from me or saw me doing, and the god of peace will be with you.

the god of peace will be with us, not the peace of god, for god.. is peace.

john 16:33 says: i have told you all this, so that in me you may have peace. you will have trouble in the world; but, courage! i have overcome the world.

trouble is a sure thing in this world. but in god, we will find peace.
every so often we become anxious.. about many things.. money, school, work, family, health, relationships. we drown ourselves in anxiety and there is no peace within us.
jesus is telling us to pray.. to lift our worries to god. when we feel anxious, let us speak to him about it.

that thing

2006-08-09T00:06:00.000+08:00

once you lose something, anyone can help you find it..
unless it's trust.

just do it

2006-08-06T20:05:00.000+08:00

i don't want to study..
well so does everybody else..
so this isn't legitimate..

green eyes

2006-08-05T18:03:00.000+08:00

seeing a frozen piece of you and him,
in me created the enemy
of what's sealed in your lips..
my breathing is now heavy,
lifting me back into a place
where there is only despair..
again i am stranded,
but you will come and take me with you
in your eyes and in your hands..

make it real

2006-08-02T23:21:00.000+08:00

if it isn't real, so are its consequences.
it's worth shit.

your love is unmerited...

2006-07-30T22:02:00.000+08:00

your love is unmerited.. universal, unchanging, unbending.
whatever i do, however much i've sinned, no matter how many times i've turned my back on you, you stubbornly love me.
for a few months, i had been feeling empty. something was lost. and this wasn't the first time.
i love kat and we're happy. but it's not enough. at first i was afraid to tell her about this because i couldn't accept that what we have is not nearly adequate.
few days ago, with kat's help, i realized it was you i had unconsciously turned away from. and this wasn't the first time. she told me the emptiness i had been feeling, the hunger for something i couldn't figure out, was your way of calling me back to you.
right after she said that, i was blown away. that was it. i felt so undeserving yet so special that you're calling me.
you are my answer! and only in you will i be truly happy.

no words

2006-07-30T01:10:00.000+08:00

though we're unseen and inaudible
in that moment of pause
before ending a phone call,
you're there and i'm here
and we know it.

make this last

2006-07-30T00:43:00.000+08:00

it's not particularly fun disappointing myself.. to disappoint you, i hate that more.
like waves that set ashore i am.. and the sand that's what you are.
i go scarpering as quickly as i crash into you.
and i forget and go blind then later remember and see again.
i gather you've been calling.. it's only now that i am picking up.
thank you.. again..

maxed out.. tsk tsk tsk

2006-07-29T12:31:00.000+08:00

yesterday i was at wendy's, reading the reader's digest while waiting in line, when out of nowhere i heard 2 voices speaking.
voice 1: "kala ko maxed out ka na?"
voice 2: "oo nga, maxed out na nga ko!"
that just killed me.

unbending

2006-06-23T17:31:00.000+08:00

it's not always how i imagine it to be.
when i get tired, i'm tired.

purpose and shit

2006-05-22T16:20:00.000+08:00

when a terrible thing happens, is it shit happening or is it simply a means in reaching a bigger purpose?
if it's the latter, then shit doesn't happen, does it?
or is it both? if it is, then it is a purpose full of shit, isn't it?

are You really there?

2006-05-21T16:20:00.000+08:00

i'm telling You. i'm trying really hard.
but when i start talking to You, the question pops up.
and i can't stop it.

right and wrong places

2006-05-21T16:19:00.000+08:00

oftentimes i find myself out of place.
but when i'm with you, i know i'm in the right place.
it feels good.

happy birthday

2006-05-19T16:19:00.000+08:00

solitude is a sexy bitch.
to dangerous ground
it seduces me.
then you talk to me
and i feel safe.
happy and sane again.

a spotless mind

2006-05-19T16:18:00.000+08:00

ignorance is so pure and beautiful...
just as the dead knows no pain or
the blind knows no ugliness,
the infant knows no fear or
the deaf knows no dissonance.
but it's not everything...
for the dead feels no pleasure and
the blind sees no beauty,
the infant bears no courage and
the deaf hears no melody.

time of death

2006-05-19T16:17:00.000+08:00

the best time to die
is when you are most loved.

further

2006-05-18T16:17:00.000+08:00

be able when you know you are.

luck

2006-05-16T16:16:00.000+08:00

two guys have a gun impounded on their belts. they are both provoked to use them, aim at their victims, and fire. it is all a mishap. both victims are brought to the hospital while both gunners are contrite about what they'd done. one victim survives with a bleeding ear. the other dies.

two students deliberately never study hard enough. near the end of the school year, they are both afraid of getting the axe. they pray hard and create resolutions for the next school year. only one of them pulls through.

two women are drunkdriving. they both have their bestfriends sitting on the passenger's seats. then they crash into an accident. both drivers survive while only one of the passengers does.

two unmarried couples engage in casual sex. the girls later realize that their menstruation is delayed. all four of them get paranoid and incessantly swear to be safe the next time they do it if only it would be a false alarm. one of the girls gets a positive pregnancy test.

different things happen to basically similar people. in any case, loads of regret are expressed and lessons are learned.

this is all a matter of luck. too bad if it turns its back on you.

half-empty

2006-05-15T16:08:00.000+08:00

i am happiest and most grateful when my pack of cigarettes is half-empty rather than when it's full.

what's wrong

2006-05-14T16:09:00.000+08:00

the world is filled with all kinds of forces - benevolent and malevolent.
it's so dynamic i don't know where my place is.
i don't want to do things just because i have to or because i want to.
hell, i don't know why i should do things.
i can't live like i don't care.
tell me, is there something wrong?

some place

2006-05-13T16:09:00.000+08:00

i want to live in a place where merely sitting down is just fine and not awkward; where i don't need to rely on television or ipod to know that i'm there.

make me smoke

2006-05-08T16:10:00.000+08:00

i know i really like a person or thing or song or movie or book when it makes me want to smoke.

but there are times when it doesn't anymore.

there are just some things i don't want to change.

my words

2006-05-06T16:10:00.000+08:00

three weeks had gone,
the waters sit still.

i know it's not going to part,
i know i didn't mind.

without a battle to fight,
i lived it easy.....

more of you is my swear pookie,
sorry are my words.

touched

2006-05-04T16:12:00.000+08:00

sometimes after water leaks,
a hypocrite i become.

if i were powerful

2006-05-04T16:11:00.000+08:00

if i were the most powerful man in the world, i'd have everyone killed. including myself.

when everyone dies, everything mundane ends.

*****
how many are born or die everyday? that's a huge number of souls going into heaven or hell.

if i were a new soul who's just going to be incorporated during some conception, why would i want that?

are there souls just waiting in line to be unified with something corporeal? how many are left?

what if all human beings are instantly killed? how are those unblended souls going to come to earth?

and what is the difference between the souls already conflated with a body and those that are not?

if everyone dies today, those souls waiting will never experience this world and will never go to heaven or hell.

that is unfair although i don't know in whose favor.

participate

2006-05-02T16:12:00.000+08:00

i've been in tacloban for 2 weeks now and i never met or talked to people except my family. i never go out except to go to the gym alone or visit my lola's house with my family. i watch tv, i smoke, i listen to music, i read books, and i'm really fine doing just that. although i talk and text with kat and manila friends through a satellite.

incidentally, i went to church too, once. when it was part of the mass where i had to turn to the people around me to say "peace," i just did it to my mother and looked up front after that. to me, it's meaningless to do that to any stranger who i think is going to be a part of my life for not even one second. i'm probably wrong to think this, i know.

i'm writing this because in one of the books i've read, it said that sometimes, people use thought to not participate in life and that is a bad thing. so i guess i don't participate enough. i really don't know why this is but it doesn't make me sad.

anyway, i want to thank the people i've communicated with (often feebly) in one way or another within the past 2 weeks: kat, jem, jof, dyan, nina, dee, maryconi, bon, kathryn, noemi, tina, gap, joseph, and jolly. thanks for boosting my life participation level up one notch.

about the catcher

2006-04-28T16:13:00.000+08:00

i just finished reading 'the catcher in the rye' for the second time. the first time was 4 years ago. it is clearer to me now. nina (a good friend) was right when she told me to read books over and over with adequate intervals between every read because people change. we change. how we react to something will be different from how we'll react to the same thing in the future. what's important to us now may no longer be important to us years from now.

although i still don't get why he wants to be a catcher of kids going over the edge of a cliff in a field of rye. i think someone told me it's because he actually is a kid who wants to be saved from falling off the cliff. it's reasonable but i don't know. i don't think he wants to be saved. i'd like it if someone told me why.

after reading the book, i didn't get depressed or anything. i heard it's a catalyst for people with suicidal tendencies to finally end their lives or something like that. again, i can't figure that out. holden, to me, was a regular kid who hates and who doesn't give a "good goddam" to anything. i wouldn't say that's normal but i feel that way sometimes. i'd say it's alright. ok.. maybe he isn't that regular a kid. but who knows how kids are today.

anyway, what i thought after closing the book was, it's better to be hating than to be a hypocrite. holden, the protagonist of the book, was just a kid and i figured, when he grows older, he'd learn to mellow down the habit of hating. but hypocrites will always be hypocrites because it's harder to kill the hypocrite in you. downright phonies always need to be a phony.

then i realized, honesty is much more important than anything in the world. i would right away choose an honest loser over someone who is real famous but phony anytime. be honest and you'll know you have lived however awry your life is.

come on

2006-04-25T16:14:00.000+08:00

to the people who try to please everyone, when will you learn that that's not possible?

you know that you're doing it at the expense of other people and your relationship with them. most often it's your family who you love more.

come on! stop doing that to yourself.

and to the people who hog other people, please be wise enough to know better than to depend on them. we all have our own problems.

with one letter

2006-04-25T15:59:00.000+08:00

i had crossed a bridge,
whose understructure's strength,
is obscure to me.
curious if it had fallen down.
i was much too far away,
when i remembered to look back.
without warning signs.
i'm afraid i destroyed it.

alive again

2006-04-23T16:00:00.000+08:00

when i'm dying
bid me farewell with burning bushes
next to my skin.
with that sweet pain
awakening all my senses
make me feel alive again.

doctor

2006-04-21T16:02:00.000+08:00

watching patch adams today made my heart ache; which is ironic because i still don't have the heart of a doctor in its truest meaning. being a doctor is not about the grades or title or recognition.

in the 22 years i've been on earth, i have, so far, learned about faith and hope; but charity i still have not.

withering dialect

2006-04-21T16:00:00.000+08:00

before i left tacloban for college, i didn't hear any tagalog words spoken in conversations. but starting maybe 4 years ago, many people here started sneaking in tagalog phrases or sentences in their manner of speaking or in their texting.

just this week, one person was speaking to me in tagalog. i didn't know whether to answer in tagalog or waray. but i replied in waray nevertheless.

i have nothing against that nor it is a big deal; but for some reason, i feel awkward speaking to warays in tagalog. in addition, i really don't know much about my dialect because my waray vocabulary has been feeble from the start, except for words used in everyday conversations. and i don't want that to be lost.

so it has been a relief to see bob abellanosa's exanimate face on tv at night. he is an abs-cbn local news anchor who newscasts in pure waray of which some terms i don't understand. but i don't mind.

turn off

2006-04-20T16:02:00.000+08:00

don't expect anything from me.
or at least don't let me know it.
even if it's right.
unless you want to tie me down.

the poor great gatsby

2006-04-13T16:04:00.000+08:00

reading of dying
for love thwarted,
what of that
affording me silence?
to live for a killer dream
so tolerably binding,
is it a life reckoned
worth living?
where the pope menaced
behind walls impregnable,
is he welcome
he, the wishful thinker?

passive-aggressive personality disorder

2006-04-07T16:05:00.000+08:00

taken from kaplan & saddock's 'synopsis of psychiatry:'

"persons with passive-aggressive personality disorder are characterized by covert obstructionism, procrastination, stubbornness, and inefficiency."

"...in interpersonal relationships, these persons attempt to manipulate themselves into a position of dependence, but others often experience this passive, self-detrimental behavior as punitive and manipulative..."

*****
to whoever reading this,
think about this.
i could be manipulating you right now.
if you think i am,
then i am.
but then, i can only manipulate you
as much as you think i can.
...i could be manipulating you again.
fuck you!

*****
if i say that i'll be sorry for this blog, i could be manipulating you again.
and because i said this, i could be manipulating you fucking again.

*****
i am so sad and mad.

heavy traffic

2006-04-06T16:04:00.000+08:00

hating kills me.
but i can't quit
the grounds for hating.
i will always need to smoke.

most important

2006-04-03T16:07:00.000+08:00

the most important things are those that every single human being can relate to.

if the marrow of what's stirring you, whether positively or negatively, is perhaps inconceivable in all people, then it's not important.

sick

2006-04-02T15:54:00.000+08:00

three days ago i caught a rhinovirus.
i've been sick for almost two days now.

five days ago i met my demon face-to-face.
named the inverse of humility.

i've been sick my whole life.

crazy world

2006-04-02T15:53:00.000+08:00

sad things happen to people. they're inevitable. so no one really is to blame. not the lord and not even the self. sometimes, it is easy to say that it's the fault of the person. but if you think about it more, it's really not. what's sad is, there are things that you don't want to do but you have to do. in this world, expectations are overpowering. some people would say that you can ignore those expectations because they are truly stupid. they are right. but you can't ignore them all the time. maybe once in a while you can, and should. but not all the time. that's just how it is. or else, you'd be alone and feel lousy. sacrifices are to be made everyday to be happy or to live harmoniously with other people. these things are very sad and shitty. but there's no point in saying that. because they happen everyday and as long as you live. you can curse every minute, but that won't change anything. this is a crazy world. and we are all so pathetic it makes me laugh.

taxi driver

2006-03-30T15:54:00.000+08:00

your face so thick,
asking more than what's due.
a 'fuck you' is all i owe you,
cos man, you disgust me.

rain

2006-03-29T15:55:00.001+08:00

i was listening to jack johnson's 'banana pancakes' when outside i heard euphony. it's been months since it last rained in manila. and for the first time i was glad it was raining. it's funny. i didn't know i was missing it. the smell of the sun had become tiresome.

humility needed

2006-03-29T15:55:00.000+08:00

all his life, it was a word.
draining into his ears but diffusing back into space.
solid is the ground the fine liquid can't penetrate.
sooner or later it has to crack.
but not by it but by trying ants which only now managed to drill holes.
there's a crack now alright.
so what's next?
no other ants can know.

beauty problem

2006-03-23T15:56:00.000+08:00

let:

x = beautiful
y = n (beautiful)
n = any number > 1

problem:

A is x and B is undisputedly y.. but because of that, A has now become y and B became x.. what logic is of this?

labels are only words

2006-03-19T15:57:00.000+08:00

the female parent is angry at me. i've been evading the one she wants. now she found out i went along the one she doesn't want.

what i did i know is not in the least wrong. but i can't blame her. that's what she believes in and it's important to her.

i'm not sorry for what i did.

but it's sad that i hurt her.

evening delight

2006-03-16T15:58:00.000+08:00

by my window at night..
when i'm alone..
there you are,
eager to be suckled..
zealous are you,
to rest in my ears..
what simple joy,
you give me really..